Trigger warning
I’ve had bad teeth since I was a small child. I can recall having a rotten tooth pulled at about 8 which left an empty space in my mouth until I was old enough (about 40) to afford an implant replacement. Yesterday I was in that dentist’s chair surrounded by compassionate hearts and hands but inside of me raged a wild animal. For some unknown reason, this time, with this woman’s hands entering my mouth, I recalled the many times men placed their grubby hands not just in my mouth but in my other orifices and on my youthful spine. I recalled the times I did not know I could simply walk away. I could say no. I actually had agency over my body announcing this is not your playground. Take your toys and go home.
Recently I read that the original definition of ‘virgin’ was self-possessed– owned by God alone. To be self-possessed to me means to know you have a divine connection to the creator of Light, your source of energy and healing. This creator utilizes the path of making the dark into light by means of subconscious into consciousness AKA awakening.
I think the Christian church has done many a disservice in teaching us to carry our own cross. In this message we have learned to mirror Christ killing off our innocent selves. We have focused on being victims and not victors.We have ignored our vulnerable parts and stories. We have shoved them down into our bodies where they fester and spoil. We have gotten sick because no one taught us how to bring them out into the light where our redeemer lives. Now we have to learn to listen to the cries of the wild animal.
Our creature’s are trapped.
The wild ones within are not trusted to instinctually heal themselves.
We see with Jesus that the world’s ways are not God’s ways. The world instructs us to murder the vulnerable, to impale the weak. This is one way gazing at the cross has taught me what not to do. But I have done it. Oh, have I ever. And I am so saddened for the not knowing. The ignorance. But God’s redemption plan is for my inner child, the one I ignored. The one I put to sleep as I busily made a life. Shhhhh I told her. I may come back for you some day, but for now you must keep quiet.
That day came again yesterday in that dentist chair. As the anxiety reached its full height, I dashed outside and yelped and told God I didn’t need to remember the ways the hungry men came for us, our innocence food for their unquenchable desires. I listened to my inner creature in her wildness and I calmed her with hugs and deep breathing. I told her I cared so so much for her pain.
I told her, “I give voice to you the one who never had the chance to say your ‘no’.”
Ladies, do not take that path of the cross any longer. Do not murder and silence your pain. Breathe life into her and allow the light of day to reveal her path to wholeness. She’s welcome here. She does not have to pretend to be strong.
Say, “I am worthy in the valley of pain. I am seen here. Loved here. Cared for. I am not alone nor abandoned. My redeemer lives.”
encounterillumination 