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Transfigured

My Friend in Prison

I have a yoga client.

I guess you could call her that. She lives at the Federal Detention Center for a crime I know nothing about.

And I don’t really care. Let’s call her Dee.

Dee shared an experience in class today about how she has been practicing with several other inmates and me a couple of times a month since October and how, honestly, she never really understood what the all of the fuss was about.

She had no idea if yoga was just stretching or something more, she just wanted to participate and stay active.

The women at the FDC are stuck in a high-rise in the center of the city and never, I repeat, never get outside.

They eat, sleep, exercise and exist on one floor of a 10-story building.

They have a rec-deck on the third floor where they can see the sky out of the top of a two story space, the top 10 feet of which, is covered in bars.

A slice of sky and a few birds flying in several times a day—that is the extent of their experience with nature while doing their time. It breaks my heart.

I am fortunate to offer a chance to embody a yogic connection once a week.

(If you have never practiced, I would describe yoga as the chance to merge with the divine that is alive inside of you, inside each and every one of us.)

I leave after each session with the women at the FDC only hoping that other than relaxation, yoga will work its magic in its own time.

As Dee shared her story, I realized that she had experienced some of the magic that yoga had to offer.

Dee told us that the day before as she bent over to tie her shoes, she was overcome with the wave of an awful memory of her abusive boyfriend’s face and denigrating attitude.

Dee was filled with just a moment of self-loathing that after a year of daily exercise, maybe she had not come that far after all.

You see, every time she would simply tie her shoes in front of him, he would remark that she was fat and worthless: just look at you, all out of breath just from bending over.

She started to tie her shoes in a room where she could be alone—a room away from him.

Well, on this day, in this moment, she acknowledged the old feelings of shame and looked them straight in the eye and then took a deep breath.

Within that breath, she held a new voice, a new memory.

It was of me telling her to just exhale and go a little lower, a little deeper into the expression of the pose.

As she folded over to tie her shoe, she exhaled and within that place of surrender, she felt a new emotion arising:

worthiness.

Dee told us she had never felt such a strong sense of worthiness emanate from her own body before.

She often hated her body but on this day, she loved what her body was relaying in no uncertain terms: you are enough.

Her tears seemed to mix with our tears as we acknowledged the truth in her exclamation, “I feel like I finally know what yoga is about and for”.

I can’t help but notice that in all the articles we read about yoga’s benefits and life-changing qualities, one could just as easily replace the word “yoga” with “God”.

>> Yoga is making me a better mother, friend, daughter and wife

>> Yoga has been a savior to reduce my stress and relieve my anxiety

>> Yoga helps me feel more connected to myself and others and less depressed

>> Yoga helps me manage my eating disorder

>> Yoga eases my desire for my drug of choice and has impacted me staying clean

Some people say going to yoga feels like going to church.

Again, I will repeat, our yoga practice is meant to connect our mind, body and spirit in a way that God meant for us to operate.

It is out of wholeness and connection to our authentic self that we can truly understand how much we are loved, how we could never do anything to separate us from God.

That which we are desiring, is desiring us.

What are you yearning for?

Mental is Physical

Yesterday I restrained my ankle walking through Philly’s Chinatown in search of meat on a stick. Over a month ago, I went over it, falling in a shallow hole in the meadow across from our home. I thought it was healed and haven’t gone to PT as I should. That re-injury yesterday was the reminder from my 25 year old self that I still haven’t fully addressed her wound. And so today up before the dawn, I pray. I have been experiencing obsessive thoughts and that is my pointer. Who is doing all this thinking? and what needs processing. I know how to build the door to heaven. I’ve built thousands of them.

I call it breaking through the firmament. It’s a veil between upper and lower realities. the lower densities contain shame, memory, pain, trauma, grief, fear and so much more. The upper chakras hold the lightness of being and if we yoke ourselves to God’s ways we will find healing. God is merciful and so I am merciful. God is filled with creative solutions and so my soul finds them as well. We have never been separate and I bring this to her– the missing me. She was lost in a sea of worry and anger. Rage really. She wrote a bunch of fuck you letters this morning as part of her process. To all the wedding guests, the bridal party, family. No one recognized her disguise as one placed on her by God– no , she was ignored. Her pain, the abuse, all of it. Ignored. Maybe that is the way of the world after all. Maybe that is the path of liberation. Not human compassion but human ignorance that dives us into the arms of the Divine. Our heavenly Papa. Where our true power lies.

So if that ‘s you today. Know I understand. It’s a very painful journey of transfiguring the creature. Pope John Paul wrote in “Light of the East’ that the transfiguration of the creature would inaugurate in the coming of the kingdom of God. And so here we are doing the inaugurating. Some days that’s a party and a feast and some days it’s crying into our coffee mug and writing fuck you letters.

But it’s not like before.

No, it’s nothing like that. Those years of having to pretend and act nice and be a pretty bride on the outside while the inside rots….

Madman or Magician

I’m listening to a podcast with Elise Loehnen (Fissmer) Pulling the Thread. SHe’s interviewing author and psychotherapist Karl Deisseroth Md, PhD. As they discuss what in the DSM responds well to meds and what rooted in childhood trauma does not, I had the insight– the download so to speak– only that which originated as a mismatch to the new life in relationship can be repaired in relationship– the same relationship– parent to child. Not in the natural but as an adult in the spiritual realm. The OT ends with the reconciliation of parent and child– powerful huh.

Well, we are part of God’s internal family system. We are a cell in the body of God so to speak. The micro to the macro. We look like our Abwoon (parents). Our natural life is aligned with the Great Mother and we operate like nature– letting go, growing, planting seeds of compassion. Letting go, expanding consciousness, growing a seed of mercy….did I say Letting go?

We have the innate need to connect with, rely upon, be supported by, guided etc. by the invisible Source of our Being. If we neglect this deep Soul Truth– we suffer. But we don’t recognize suffering if we look to the world. No, we look like the world when we are striving, grasping, complaining, worrying, gossiping etc. Abba does not judge this. This is part of being human and growing and maturing

Abba is the perfect harmony of meeting us in our messes and helping us up out of the pigslop and finding our way into better quarters. We MUST awaken to growing worthiness, growing in thriving and leave behind our old self. As a new creation we are constantly making stuff– encouraging others, building others up, connecting heart to heart. Then RESTING. deep soul rest which restores the brain.

But Trauma– light in need of mending. Light that’s chaotic, distorted in the nervous system, in the fascia is the suffering self . We despise her, she’s a stranger. Annoying. Demanding, too much– too horny, hungry and greedy. But you see– Abba knows she’s trying so hard to FEEL alive!! She’s doing everything in order to know she exists and can experience pleasure and yes pain. Contrast is needed. We often hear it called the life and death of Christ in us.

We need light and dark. Matter and energy. Spirit and dust. masculine and feminine. They dance– not compete. But when I was in my trauma brain I had an inner enemy…I was always hating on my self, my body, my behavior (or lack there of), but too much ‘me’ was the problem I needed to have children, be of service, get outside of myself and understand the law of karma. I needed to keep caring about others and bumping off them to see myself better, more clearly and see the ways I was NOT the woman I thought I’d be…I was on a collision course to divorce if I didn’t get my act together. And yes, I often created outer enemies too– projections.

ultimately, with nervous system regulation we are within ONE voice. and that voice is rooted in Love. Nervous system regulation is not ease, it’s not peace, it’s not anything but connection to Self. We remain. We do not abandon ourselves, or berate or shame for having human needs and desires.

Whether it is your own mind’s voice or when you hear from the shepherd, it is love. Your parts are organized and your intuition is organized and your Light is organized into a grand symphony playing– magical. Not madman. No fear of being crazy. It is a world who does not communicate with their Abba that is crazy. Every Child of God has access to their spiritual parent– unified. You are back in the arms of a sweet safe One.

John 3:5. It’s a brain wave pattern restoring that frequency from first year of life.

Dharma + Karma in Harmony

We are in our own way! I was at the neurologist over 11 years ago complaining of memory issues, brain fog, mood swings and guess what he told me–

You are a bored housewife. I was so very angry at that rude man! Didn’t he know that I had 3 part time jobs?

He brought the sword of truth to a place that needed the pain of Christ to divide up my small ways of thinking patterned in a hostile past. I was repeating my trauma conditioning without being conscious. I get frustrated with myself. And I get frustrated with others but our heavenly Abba is simply never frustrated with us. He will keep dropping hints until we are ready to make the change because we need new energy, new inspiration and purpose to drive the action.

The only way to new neural pathways and a new good life free of self-imposed suffering was daily bravery. Stretching who I thought I was and what I was capable of.

Here I am all these years later and nothing has changed at 58!

I am a lifelong learner evolving and finding ever deepening faith and meaning.

We must all balance the forces of foundational dharma (stability, structure, fundamentals) with the forces of karma (mobility, chaos, change, growth).

Yoga is one powerful daily ritual which brings structure to the inner chaos of the subconscious mind, merging consciousness and unconscious (hidden cosmic) power so that we can be of service in big and small ways.

Jesus brings the sword and we must trust when we hear the words which are meant to challenge and anger the tiny, fragile ego– there’s more of you to BE. Inhale the Ruach of the Living One deep into your belly. Fill your whole body with the breath of new life and exhale deeply, sighing out a loud trumpet sound of stress. Again and again until you are more sure of your abiding in God’s body and heart.

Receive Divine Love and go!!

We are not Lot’s daughters

Hubby and I walked over the bridge today from Jersey to Philly. Bridges have often been portals for me to process. I got to thinking about the bizarro story of Lot’s daughters sleeping with their father in Gen 19. Any time there is a strange scripture that on the surface makes no sense, we can be sure to dive deeper and ask the Holy Spirit to inform us of meaning. Earlier in the day I was contemplating our belly button (see me literally naval-gazing) and it’s connection to our mothers and how once disconnected they are actually scars representing our severing from our earthly parents.

We are children of God.

All of Creation awaits with anticipation for the sons and daughters to be revealed in order to trust the unfolding of the path of Christ’s resurrection life– fueling us and healing us from our traumas. Trauma remained in us as stuck depressive energy for too long– we did not know we could freely grieve and freely express our anger to the Lord, but we are emotionally maturing.

Our father is not of this earthly realm and when we ‘sleep with’ him in cahoots with a powerless parent, we will produce fruit that does not remain. We will see that this father has become our maker and we are bound to the ways of the world– our lusts will drive us, our wounds will cause us to seek success in unhealthy ways and our ties to the lower thoughts of jealousy, comparing, and lack will fill us with despair. We will not see miracles for our children and our grandchildren.

More importantly, We will not see that our Heavenly Father has placed manna all around for our consumption . We will miss that this prana is energy as fuel for our bodies and minds because it is from above– it’s spiritual nourishment in the form of relationship. In the form of remembering who and who’s we are. We will build the door to heaven in any way we see fit for we were created to fight and battle for this union: when we have momentarily forgotten our birthright. We are not fathered by this ‘man’ down here– no, we have an Abba who took on human flesh to win back our souls.

An Abba who did HIS OWN DIRTY WORK in the body of the Son.

One who delights in us and repeats all day every day– You are my sweetie, just My best girl. You hear me? You are mine and I am providing the resurrection life. Lean in. Ask. Seek, then wait on me. Trust the seasons– the living and the dying, yes but this can be in a day or a week or a year. We do not control the chronos time. All we can do is our spiritual disciplines which help us enter the mind body spirit trinity of kairos: where heaven meets earth. “Heaven is here, when the mind is clear” croons MC Yogi.

Abba promises –I will show you that you are cared for and loved. Do not for one moment be anxious. Turn your eyes to Jesus- the one who carries your bricks on his back. And like my friend Jane’s vision from Him, He will hand them to you, to place in the earth as your incarnational career. Yes, your whole job is to simply be you. Be the best most authentic and vulnerable courageous you you can be. You are innocent and you are bold. Be not afraid daughters of our King– love wildly and dance as if all are watching!! They see the life of the Son in you and on you. We are here to display the image of Christ in our lives as we glorify our sweet and sacrificial Father in heaven. Then the whole earth will sing with the assurance that She too is included in the plan. All are included. All get to participate. Arise. I say to you Arise!

Jesus is our Sabbath Rest

Day two of grief: the day after our sweet golden retriever Sierra left us, I’m wont to sit with my Jesus and listen.

Jesus rests me

Jesus lifts me

Jesus is a frequency as am I

This frequency shatters illusion for it is Truth with a capital T

Jesus cannot leave me

Jesus is my rock

and my living well of energy

Free energy- no need to draw upon systems built for this age

His system is built for eternally knowing who I am

I cannot forget for I enjoy secure attachment
Even my grief does not destabilize me

Every wave that hits is another opportunity to reach for his hand

You Are the Firmament

” Man does not know he carries the stars hidden in himself and he is the microcosm and thus carries within him the whole firmament.” Paracelsus, the man who brought chemistry to medicine.

When did I stop believing what others told me about God and begin to experience firsthand? That’s an unanswerable question but I imagine the age of the guru/priest is coming to an end. When did I become the woman who brought yoga to Christians? Lots of people are on a similar East meets West path but in my neck of the woods (Jersey, )my calling has always felt a bit lonely butI’ve come to be a proud unicorn of sorts.

I first met the monk in residence at Community of Peace at the Wild Goose festival in Hot Springs, NC in 2015. It was kismet. With my 15 year old son asleep nearby in our tent, I wandered over to sit on the ground in the front row of an afternoon kirtan. Back at home I’d found kirtan to be one of my most powerful sound healings. During those years, my body still carried enormous unprocessed trauma charge and I was actively seeking relief from unhealthy patterns of thinking and behavior.Chant had become a place of yielding and of unity- one with God, sound, community and nature. On this day, a new ‘charge’ was expressing in my body as the chanter repeated Shakti, Shakti and my wildness began to unfurl.

I let Her.

I agreed, D’accord.

And in Stefan’s own words, “I was now the leader of the band.” See me smiling.

For there was no ‘I’, no self. There was only the invitational energy to be liberated from every social boundary, every cultural norm to behave, and any care for what others might be thinking. I imagine my feminine form morphed into one beautiful expression of shakti that day.

You see, if we get out of love’s way, we become the firmament. We can find ourselves being danced by Reality’s rhythms.Most of the time we are torqued within by unprocessed life experiences. Most of the time our nervous system is in some measure of fight, flight or freeze thanks to powerlessness in our past. Times when reality was just too much and our own energy did not flow freely; no, it had to form a dissonance.

Enter yoga— the ideal method for untorquing energy and creating resonance. It is love who will invite all of our survival mechanisms to unfurl. Only love and grace and mercy have the power to unhinge these protective boxes we’ve stored within.

I arrived at Community of Peace etin search of a weekend retreat without boxes. I desired to be surrounded by shalom, song, scripture and conversation. I found what I was looking for and much more.

I Once Hated the Light

I saw a TikTok the other day where the creator said that as our light in Christ grows, our circle diminishes because the carnally minded despise this Light.

The next day I was talking to a friend and out of my mouth I found myself admitting that I once hated the women who appeared to be so gentle, so innocent, so peaceful. I hated the women in my circles who did nothing ‘to gain’ this power. I hated these perfectly sweet and faithful women because I did not understand how God’s grace works and I was convinced that if I sacrificed enough of my pain to Him that surely He’d allow me into this heavenly life of light.

I only knew and enjoyed darkness as my comfort. Complaint, moodiness, bossiness, powerlessness, gossip- these were my worldly currencies. How one shifts into the Light is as unique as the individual. But in my understanding we all have the capacity to awaken to this higher way of operating. Above the fray so to speak.

This shift will cost you everything, mind you. Friends, maybe even jobs. But you’ll gain your mind back. You’ll have authority over what sticks in your brain. I remember reading that most of us think the same stale thoughts day in and day out. Something like 80% of our thoughts are on a repetitive loop. In order to break free from an addiction to our own stinkin’ thinking, we must create new neural pathways and synapses and in order to do this, we must ‘die’.

Of course this is in line with our following Christ, picking up our cross and agreeing daily to die to what we perceived, what we preferred and what we understood to be reality.

Now I love the Light. I love having spiritual God goggles to see and pray for the world’s carnality, my carnality. I love that it’s all a messy and forged path which includes my complaining self. It’s all included. This Light sees all, loves all and welcomes ALL.

The Wound is the Place the Light Gets In

This is a famous Rumi quote.

I had an experience, a dark night of the Soul last week. I had asked God to heal my sacral chakra imbalance that was showing up as over-emotionality. We need to become open-hearted and emotionally sober and mature humans but then we must pay attention to where there is a lack of equanimity.

Once I put out this intention, everything in my life from marriage to prayer to somatic therapy began to participate in helping me achieve healing. The Sacral chakra is called Svadhistana or return to sweetness, just like Jesus our original innocence restored. The wound is mostly unconscious and hidden from us. We are probably not operating actively from this deep recess. But there were absolutely long seasons of my life where my behavior in my dysregulated nervous system was driven by this hidden pain.

Jung said that this shadow pain is 99% pure gold holding immense energy for us. The shadow is not evil but simply unknown and unfamiliar– think “Jesus is the rock the builders rejected” from Mark 12. And so here is the key– regulate the nervous system and be gifted the consciousness of Christ in order to trust these healings that arrive like thunder and lightening scaring the Bejeezus out of us. It’s all scriptural– every time God showed up, the person was afraid.

I too was afraid and told God to lighten up– maybe you don’t know what you are doing (see me smiling here), maybe you are not the Lord and King I can trust– maybe I KNOW BETTER. But the Divine therapist knows my psyche like his own and we were partnering in this, we, in union were allowing my matter to receive the Light in the darkness of my wound and my wound in her healing released energy which was numinous and frightening to my nervous system.

But within a day I was integrated and told by my acupuncturist that I should be very grateful I handled the embodiment of these energies without too much difficulty. Easy for her to say!

My sweet 16 year old self is awakening to her power, her voice, and her sexuality. I love her and I’m so proud of how resilient and creative she is. She took on a lot of shit that she shouldn’t have had to and I’m helping her use it as fertilizer now for the tomb is empty and the ideal plot for tilling the soil and planting seeds. Time for the sunshine to help them grow.

Making the unconscious conscious is good, hard work.