I’ve been brutally honest with myself these past 15 years. I have learned to face my ‘sins’ head on. I did this initially for my children. I wanted to be the mom they deserved. then I began to do it for my marriage. I wanted to be the wife Bob deserved. Finally I realized I was doing the hard work of awakening and healing for ME!!!! I am becoming and have become the WOMAN I always knew I could be. I am not finished, but I am going to be 55 next month and am proud of how much I’ve accomplished since meeting my birthfather just 5 years ago.

My inner narcissistic is my inner child who is afraid I will not care for her, listen to her, trust her and give her compassion. Early on in my re-parenting journey, I am sure she had every reason to not trust that I was showing up in earnest. But now we are simpatico. That doesn’t mean I’ll never act out from my pain if triggered. Being in a relationship with Christ means there’s no focus on perfection, simply reliance on the Spirit.

So back to my original statement about my inner narcissist hating the Gospel– the one within us who is afraid of letting go, afraid of being wrong, who lives with shame. She cannot submit easily to God’s love because of a tight fist around ‘who I am”. But unless we let go of our story, we cannot be rebirthed into who we are meant to be!! Daily practices of finding inner peace can help the narc learn to trust God again as a GOOD father. I particularly enjoy time in nature, biking, walks, yoga and meditation.

Trigger warning

I’ve had bad teeth since I was a small child. I can recall having a rotten tooth pulled at about 8 which left an empty space in my mouth until I was old enough (about 40) to afford an implant replacement. Yesterday I was in that dentist’s chair surrounded by compassionate hearts and hands but inside of me raged a wild animal. For some unknown reason, this time, with this woman’s hands entering my mouth, I recalled the many times men placed their grubby hands not just in my mouth but in my other orifices and on my youthful spine. I recalled the times I did not know I could simply walk away. I could say no. I actually had agency over my body announcing this is not your playground. Take your toys and go home.

Recently I read that the original definition of ‘virgin’ was self-possessed– owned by God alone. To be self-possessed to me means to know you have a divine connection to the creator of Light, your source of energy and healing. This creator utilizes the path of making the dark into light by means of subconscious into consciousness AKA awakening.

I think the Christian church has done many a disservice in teaching us to carry our own cross. In this message we have learned to mirror Christ killing off our innocent selves. We have focused on being victims and not victors.We have ignored our vulnerable parts and stories. We have shoved them down into our bodies where they fester and spoil. We have gotten sick because no one taught us how to bring them out into the light where our redeemer lives. Now we have to learn to listen to the cries of the wild animal.

Our creature’s are trapped.

The wild ones within are not trusted to instinctually heal themselves.

We see with Jesus that the world’s ways are not God’s ways. The world instructs us to murder the vulnerable, to impale the weak. This is one way gazing at the cross has taught me what not to do. But I have done it. Oh, have I ever. And I am so saddened for the not knowing. The ignorance. But God’s redemption plan is for my inner child, the one I ignored. The one I put to sleep as I busily made a life. Shhhhh I told her. I may come back for you some day, but for now you must keep quiet.

That day came again yesterday in that dentist chair. As the anxiety reached its full height, I dashed outside and yelped and told God I didn’t need to remember the ways the hungry men came for us, our innocence food for their unquenchable desires. I listened to my inner creature in her wildness and I calmed her with hugs and deep breathing. I told her I cared so so much for her pain.

I told her, “I give voice to you the one who never had the chance to say your ‘no’.”

Ladies, do not take that path of the cross any longer. Do not murder and silence your pain. Breathe life into her and allow the light of day to reveal her path to wholeness. She’s welcome here. She does not have to pretend to be strong.

Say, “I am worthy in the valley of pain. I am seen here. Loved here. Cared for. I am not alone nor abandoned. My redeemer lives.”

Collect the weeds to be bundled, Matt 13:30 

As a yoga teacher, I am charged with exhorting a ‘how to’ pray in order to follow the marching orders we receive from scripture.  We each have streams of energy in ourselves called koshers from mental, physical, emotional, spiritual/breath, innate wisdom and at the center or core, rests our pearl of great price– Jesus HimSelf whom we have invited to be King, guide and Lord.  

The yoga practice is one way to collect the weeds by drawing our attention to one moment and breathing into the body new space to allow ourselves to be seen by El Roi. Holy Spirit’s one main role is to convict, not condemn.  In those moments of presence, we are often challenged to see the ways our life, our behavior and way of seeing do not align with the gospel. Ah!!  A few weeds to bundle and burn. Keep going– breathing, moving and letting go. In our busy lives, we have difficulty gathering those weeds and handing them over.  

This morning Holy Spirit showed me that we often speak of Jesus as receiving His marching orders from His Abba and look where that got Him!  But I was seeing anew– my Daddy and his Daddy desire for me to allow my inner child to not simply behave but to PLAY. I don’t know about you, but I had to become the adult in the house really young and I desire to live following my Creator who is my husband as a lover, a dancer, an enchanter.  

I’m going to be looking for more examples in the gospels of seeing Jesus as playful and not simply taking His very difficult marching orders. We are the ones who are guilty of killing God with our spewing hate and fear-mongering. His Father is all about redeeming what we get caught up in.  
I bundled up some weeds in my teary prayer time. Here you go Daddy- I thought you were mostly about giving me my marching orders. Let us enjoy feeding the sheep, washing the feet. Thank you for placing a song in my heart as I go about my very ordinary day.

You are a GOOD Father to me!! 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton