Walking Upright

I had a dream I was on vacation with a huge group of people last night. We were now an hour from our rental house and nearing the airport to fly home. I had left my car (read; Soul) at the house thinking we’d be going back. When I realized anyone who had a car (soul)among us, already knew and didn’t need to be told, was prepared, I was so angry!!

I went around yelling and asking– why didnt anyone warn me?? Why dont you care? Don’t you see that I have no way to get back– I have the keys!! and the husband of the homeowner cannot bring it here because of this.

No one would listen for more than a moment before going back to their vacationing fun and laughter. I was soooo distraught!!

This morning I came upon a rejected part of my psyche. A former ‘bent over woman’ like the one in Luke 13 crippled by her afflictions (trauma). But when she encountered God’s care,she was straightened.

Yesterday at pilates with my friend Irene leading, she had me do an exercise back against the wall and it’s very awkward: I feel hunched. She said “You don’t have kyphosis but you are compensating from a lifetime of this posture”. I understood that ‘this posture’ was a protection for my tender heart– an attempt at holding myself from further harm.

my first years practicing yoga in Colls at YogaWood with Beth Fill, that was the number one noticing– I left feeling taller, upright and straight. This alignment was the beginning of healing my gut-brain axis; my courage center. I’d been ‘crippled ‘ by the spirit of powerlessness and emotional instability for decades. I even went to a neurologist complaining of early Alzheimers and was told I ‘was a bored housewife”. The truth that was relayed was my brain was inflamed and reading Gabor Mate’s “Scattered Minds” and then “Brain on Fire” by Susannah Cahalan were pivotal in healing through a combination of east meets west– faith and practices. Discipline and surrender in order to enter flow state and enjoy meeting Jesus face to face.

Restoring wholeness to MIND is the most difficult embodied path because we are challenged by the culture every step of the way but the Kingdom of Heaven as I understand it, is much more merciful and grace-filled. Still human of course but infused by the divine. It’s not ever been two. It’s simply the original design before the infection of shame and the wound of separation.

Understanding God and the Human Nervous System

We see how God entered the human nervous system especially as we contemplate the cross of Christ. Did Jesus dissociate when he cried out– Abba, Abba why have you abandoned me?

I have thought so yes but in a sense, there was still a part of Him who understood the mission. Take the trauma of the people of the world and transmute it– once and for all. Turn pain and suffering into a creative new life force filled with connection and restored to a primordial power.

When the nervous system is regulated- the fear and memory of nervous system activation for survival has been healed ancestrally and personally. Can you even imagine this?

You must– you must 1st imagine and visualize this level of peace, safety and divine guidance. A God who breaks His own patterns and recollects us to the primordial system of the fascia. Yes, still physical– still in and of the body!!

Spiritual and harmonized while remaining in Her– the Source of all. In HIM, the placenta, the Lion, the Dove: All the metaphors apply here. It’s the best news about the sound of Heaven. The echo of the Ommmm. The frequency of Love and power.

Flowing to us and through us– uniquely singing our small part in the great Chorale — where the spiritual heart is able to be an open vessel for God’s mysteries.

This is my prayer over you today and in the season to come.

That all people everywhere trust in the consecration– you are a sacred and holy people.

My Hungry Ghost

What addicts get are relief from pain” Dr. Gabor Mate

When I was 23 I had my wisdom teeth removed and was prescribed a powerful opioid Percocet. When that script ran out, I was scared. I didn’t like going back to ‘me’.

I LOVED who I had become while ‘high’. You see we don’t know about trauma and the pain body. We only know about fighting our own selves with the weapon of shame.

You shouldn’t be so attached to that feeling, Anita. You shouldn’t desire something so harmful. What the hell is wrong with you?!?

I didnt’ know until about two years ago – when a friend said “Ohhhh, that was your first taste of freedom from the demons of your mind”. Why yes, how did you know?

How did I not know?

We do not know or understand ourselves. We are patterned for survival and thriving is not even in our daydreams I mean who is thriving? Movie stars and music makers? Finally their shadow is allover for us to see that their inner demons have been driving their addictions into the darkest places imaginable– human trafficking and sexual child abuse.

Do not look ‘out there’ for the answers my friends. The answers lie within the human heart. Do not even look ‘out there’ to judge. Let God be the judge…may we find our power sweeping our side of the street.

You will find the crack your demons have been feeding on and you will starve them. This is necessary.

Do not feel sorry for them. Let Christ throw them into the pigs who dive into the sea because they know their time is up.

Everyone has a pain body. You are not special– that is the worst and best news I can share.

Because what is special has yet to be expressed.

The hardest part will be when you enter creation mode and make stuff to satisfy your own Self. It might be shared or not.

It’s about being a creator now.

The shift in the nervous system is from consumer

to supplier.

You supply your hungry ghost with nourishment and love in the

form of creativity., connection and being an eye witness. You no longer look away into your addiction–

you take a good hard look at the pain and you create capacity

to feel it.

That

freedom

And you must want ti. Jesus comes for the sick, the poor in spirit and desperate. that was me…still is me some days.

Like today.

Poetry is Food

“When she looks back, that old young owl,

she sees that

her home, her tree

had become ravaged with wolf urine

and twisted with heat .

Curled and gnarled, she is unable to sleep there.

She begins to travel at night

because she cannot sleep in her home.

She doesn’t know what she’s lookin’ for

But she keeps goin’ and goin’.”

From Tracey Lindbergh’s novel ‘Birdie’

Shared in the book “Want” under a section called–

“What to do when a wolf has peed on your home”

I have returned home to a newly healed body after a chiropractic adjustment to my iliocecal valve released an ancient and primal rage from my psoas – the muscle of the Soul. Keep seeking your wholeness dear ones. Keep cleansing the lens though which you see the world. Be bold–

Healing my Mood Disorder

7 years ago we had a day retreat at my church with my pastor and two participants. We ritually walked through a door threshold stating an intention.

I had no idea why my voice released this statement: I AM AN ICEBERG MELTING.

Come to see that these 7 years were about God circumsizing my heart and me yielding to healing my functional freeze state through oceans of tears. Sometimes I was being re-traumatized because I did not yet fully understand the power of yoga practice and was going too deep.

Ultimately, I was healing my sacral chakra and reinstating emotional regulation and maturity after decades of suffering from a mood disorder : PMDD, which is similar to BPD and is rooted in insufficient metabolism/mitochondrial dysfunction. I also suffered with chronic IBS during that time (no coincidence).

Read that again– additionally my drinking was further inducing depression and most certainly the potential for cardiovascular disease. We are speaking about brain energy.

I’ll never forget reading the books “Brain on fire” and “Scattered Minds” and coming to understand that my own body was allergic or attacking my mind in an attempt to wake me up to the suffering self, the pain body Eckhardt Tolle teaches about. This body within that carries death due to unresolved issues in our tissues.

I told my mother last week that I have come to understand these ancestral bodies as having ONLY two choices to carry our pain and memories of being powerless in the face of danger:

Chronically or Acutely, but no one is left without the cost.

I choose conscious healing and therefore experience the emotional intensity TODAY and then it is released. I’m not stuck any longer, nor am I broken.

This day, I am going to walk through my home threshold with a new statement–

Peace LIVES HERE. Harmony is my homeostasis. I can always find my way home to a

stable CENTER.

Whatever it is that you are dealing with mentally and/or physically, know that mind and body are ONE and you are not alone. What is most important is to maintain a hopeful and strong SPIRIT in pursuing relief. We are all in different seasons and must trust that they are varied and important.

Society is sick and we are individual cells honoring these bodies as part of the larger illness at every systemic level. It is not our fault but we have the responsibility and agency to HEAL.

It’s hard work. But knowing how deep rest is critical in finding the balance is crucial too. Growing our ability to sit with discomfort — whether that’s physical or emotional is a sign of our evolution.

We are in this together- no one battles alone and God is on our side. Seek holistic understanding — east must meet west in our wholeness. Mind Body and Spirit are a dance of energies.

I believe in US.