Walking Upright

I had a dream I was on vacation with a huge group of people last night. We were now an hour from our rental house and nearing the airport to fly home. I had left my car (read; Soul) at the house thinking we’d be going back. When I realized anyone who had a car (soul)among us, already knew and didn’t need to be told, was prepared, I was so angry!!

I went around yelling and asking– why didnt anyone warn me?? Why dont you care? Don’t you see that I have no way to get back– I have the keys!! and the husband of the homeowner cannot bring it here because of this.

No one would listen for more than a moment before going back to their vacationing fun and laughter. I was soooo distraught!!

This morning I came upon a rejected part of my psyche. A former ‘bent over woman’ like the one in Luke 13 crippled by her afflictions (trauma). But when she encountered God’s care,she was straightened.

Yesterday at pilates with my friend Irene leading, she had me do an exercise back against the wall and it’s very awkward: I feel hunched. She said “You don’t have kyphosis but you are compensating from a lifetime of this posture”. I understood that ‘this posture’ was a protection for my tender heart– an attempt at holding myself from further harm.

my first years practicing yoga in Colls at YogaWood with Beth Fill, that was the number one noticing– I left feeling taller, upright and straight. This alignment was the beginning of healing my gut-brain axis; my courage center. I’d been ‘crippled ‘ by the spirit of powerlessness and emotional instability for decades. I even went to a neurologist complaining of early Alzheimers and was told I ‘was a bored housewife”. The truth that was relayed was my brain was inflamed and reading Gabor Mate’s “Scattered Minds” and then “Brain on Fire” by Susannah Cahalan were pivotal in healing through a combination of east meets west– faith and practices. Discipline and surrender in order to enter flow state and enjoy meeting Jesus face to face.

Restoring wholeness to MIND is the most difficult embodied path because we are challenged by the culture every step of the way but the Kingdom of Heaven as I understand it, is much more merciful and grace-filled. Still human of course but infused by the divine. It’s not ever been two. It’s simply the original design before the infection of shame and the wound of separation.

My Hungry Ghost

What addicts get are relief from pain” Dr. Gabor Mate

When I was 23 I had my wisdom teeth removed and was prescribed a powerful opioid Percocet. When that script ran out, I was scared. I didn’t like going back to ‘me’.

I LOVED who I had become while ‘high’. You see we don’t know about trauma and the pain body. We only know about fighting our own selves with the weapon of shame.

You shouldn’t be so attached to that feeling, Anita. You shouldn’t desire something so harmful. What the hell is wrong with you?!?

I didnt’ know until about two years ago – when a friend said “Ohhhh, that was your first taste of freedom from the demons of your mind”. Why yes, how did you know?

How did I not know?

We do not know or understand ourselves. We are patterned for survival and thriving is not even in our daydreams I mean who is thriving? Movie stars and music makers? Finally their shadow is allover for us to see that their inner demons have been driving their addictions into the darkest places imaginable– human trafficking and sexual child abuse.

Do not look ‘out there’ for the answers my friends. The answers lie within the human heart. Do not even look ‘out there’ to judge. Let God be the judge…may we find our power sweeping our side of the street.

You will find the crack your demons have been feeding on and you will starve them. This is necessary.

Do not feel sorry for them. Let Christ throw them into the pigs who dive into the sea because they know their time is up.

Everyone has a pain body. You are not special– that is the worst and best news I can share.

Because what is special has yet to be expressed.

The hardest part will be when you enter creation mode and make stuff to satisfy your own Self. It might be shared or not.

It’s about being a creator now.

The shift in the nervous system is from consumer

to supplier.

You supply your hungry ghost with nourishment and love in the

form of creativity., connection and being an eye witness. You no longer look away into your addiction–

you take a good hard look at the pain and you create capacity

to feel it.

That

freedom

And you must want ti. Jesus comes for the sick, the poor in spirit and desperate. that was me…still is me some days.

Like today.

I am an Iceberg Melting

Did you ever think that Jesus froze the waters on which He walked

A perfect balance of elements

water, earth, vapor, minerals, air

what of water? what of our emotional terrain

our stormy expressions of great suffering

Jesus froze those waters for our survival

So that we might not be flooded, washed away with the tides

Frozen is solid, steadfast in order to raise the children

and go to work

Frozen is solid, steadfast in order to awaken Christmas morning and

hug your people

But frozen is not Jesus’ highest best plan for us

No, we can thaw

We can address the iceberg melting within

the layers of grief, like layers of frozen river

underneath there is living water

flowing freely

liberated water

But we must be brave and go see who’s trapped there

frozen in time

afraid to yell. afraid to move. I’ll be a good girl this time

I promise I’ll be quiet as a mouse

Look how still I can be!

I’m not a problem at all

Look at me– I’m like a statue

A child carved out of ice

An iceberg melting