The Ending is Sweet

Friends, if we are a small human with no concept of history and battles, no concept of kairos time, we will find ourselves powerless living in our heads — where the past and future are stored, conveniently. In this headspace, we are not required to come down off our cross, off our high horse and serve the real world. No, we are too busy– busy judging and worrying, busy planning and ruminating. We have no energy to serve our souls or those we encounter. We are exhausted.

Sound familiar ?

It’s in our incarnation that we embody the spirit. In this teeny tiny body that is finite we uncover our capacity to carry the infinite. This is not something our brain can hold and so we must feel it with our hearts. We must draw close to God and one another and feel each other for our humanity depends on this sensing function.

When we do draw close- what do we see with our one eye open and one eye closed? We might see fear, or grief. We might also see ‘sin’. It is only with our growing awareness that our surrender to God’s vision for humanity might save us from ourselves.

And so this sweet and happy ending comes to mind. This long- awaited homecoming into the arms of Creator. Let’s not wait until after we’ve left these teeny, tiny messy bodies, ok? Let’s allow the kingdom of heaven to impact us in the world. That will require vulnerability and courage. For each of us, it will be very different.

Sometimes life/reality/God gives us our medicine watered down. And other times we have no capacity to take in the diagnosis, the accident, the abusive voice, the cheating, the lies.

Our inner child is part of how we grow capacity. We refuse to self-abandon. She’s always included– this innocent one. This creative one. This one desiring fun and connection. He draws close to adult me and wants to feel safe. Will I allow their safe expression?

So if you are like me, you are trying to take your medicine (nutrition, balance, strength, tough conversations, cleaning out the closet for gosh sakes!) and you are not giving yourself enough moments of awe and wonder. Let us walk in nature and allow the largeness of the universe to right -size our worries.
And once again we will draw close to our friend and hug them with genuine care. We will bake those cookies, singing our song into the batter. We will shoot off that encouraging text. Because we matter. Each of us really matters.

The Ending is Sweet.

I am Word made Flesh

I’m often contemplating the shape of the cross. What does this vertical “On earth as it is in heaven” goal mean?

What does the horizontal truth of a wide and gracious

energy or spirit that is far-reaching east to west?

What feels prescient this week is the humility of embracing energy healing that is pure grace.

I went to a Biofield tuning session a few weeks ago and I literally FELT the restoration of water being poured back into my guts, my solar plexus.

I didnt’ have to do anything but believe and in faith trust the practitioner of this amazing frequency healing through the use of tuning forks.

But that’s not the whole picture of course– in these bodies are charged with all the movement, all the nutrition, all the connection to our neighbor. There’s action!!

It’s not all rest and digest

It’s putting legs on our faith in a way that is ordinary (weights, service, fasting, cardio, sweating, cold showers, journaling etc)

And the cross will always be the shape which informs my living in harmony with Christ. The doing, the being, the not bypassing…

The healing is a restoration of immense magnitude!!

We are Word made flesh.

#incarnation #embodiment #kamikaze #anchor #pentecost #HolyGhost #MindBodySoul

Walking Upright

I had a dream I was on vacation with a huge group of people last night. We were now an hour from our rental house and nearing the airport to fly home. I had left my car (read; Soul) at the house thinking we’d be going back. When I realized anyone who had a car (soul)among us, already knew and didn’t need to be told, was prepared, I was so angry!!

I went around yelling and asking– why didnt anyone warn me?? Why dont you care? Don’t you see that I have no way to get back– I have the keys!! and the husband of the homeowner cannot bring it here because of this.

No one would listen for more than a moment before going back to their vacationing fun and laughter. I was soooo distraught!!

This morning I came upon a rejected part of my psyche. A former ‘bent over woman’ like the one in Luke 13 crippled by her afflictions (trauma). But when she encountered God’s care,she was straightened.

Yesterday at pilates with my friend Irene leading, she had me do an exercise back against the wall and it’s very awkward: I feel hunched. She said “You don’t have kyphosis but you are compensating from a lifetime of this posture”. I understood that ‘this posture’ was a protection for my tender heart– an attempt at holding myself from further harm.

my first years practicing yoga in Colls at YogaWood with Beth Fill, that was the number one noticing– I left feeling taller, upright and straight. This alignment was the beginning of healing my gut-brain axis; my courage center. I’d been ‘crippled ‘ by the spirit of powerlessness and emotional instability for decades. I even went to a neurologist complaining of early Alzheimers and was told I ‘was a bored housewife”. The truth that was relayed was my brain was inflamed and reading Gabor Mate’s “Scattered Minds” and then “Brain on Fire” by Susannah Cahalan were pivotal in healing through a combination of east meets west– faith and practices. Discipline and surrender in order to enter flow state and enjoy meeting Jesus face to face.

Restoring wholeness to MIND is the most difficult embodied path because we are challenged by the culture every step of the way but the Kingdom of Heaven as I understand it, is much more merciful and grace-filled. Still human of course but infused by the divine. It’s not ever been two. It’s simply the original design before the infection of shame and the wound of separation.

My Friend in Prison

I have a yoga client.

I guess you could call her that. She lives at the Federal Detention Center for a crime I know nothing about.

And I don’t really care. Let’s call her Dee.

Dee shared an experience in class today about how she has been practicing with several other inmates and me a couple of times a month since October and how, honestly, she never really understood what the all of the fuss was about.

She had no idea if yoga was just stretching or something more, she just wanted to participate and stay active.

The women at the FDC are stuck in a high-rise in the center of the city and never, I repeat, never get outside.

They eat, sleep, exercise and exist on one floor of a 10-story building.

They have a rec-deck on the third floor where they can see the sky out of the top of a two story space, the top 10 feet of which, is covered in bars.

A slice of sky and a few birds flying in several times a day—that is the extent of their experience with nature while doing their time. It breaks my heart.

I am fortunate to offer a chance to embody a yogic connection once a week.

(If you have never practiced, I would describe yoga as the chance to merge with the divine that is alive inside of you, inside each and every one of us.)

I leave after each session with the women at the FDC only hoping that other than relaxation, yoga will work its magic in its own time.

As Dee shared her story, I realized that she had experienced some of the magic that yoga had to offer.

Dee told us that the day before as she bent over to tie her shoes, she was overcome with the wave of an awful memory of her abusive boyfriend’s face and denigrating attitude.

Dee was filled with just a moment of self-loathing that after a year of daily exercise, maybe she had not come that far after all.

You see, every time she would simply tie her shoes in front of him, he would remark that she was fat and worthless: just look at you, all out of breath just from bending over.

She started to tie her shoes in a room where she could be alone—a room away from him.

Well, on this day, in this moment, she acknowledged the old feelings of shame and looked them straight in the eye and then took a deep breath.

Within that breath, she held a new voice, a new memory.

It was of me telling her to just exhale and go a little lower, a little deeper into the expression of the pose.

As she folded over to tie her shoe, she exhaled and within that place of surrender, she felt a new emotion arising:

worthiness.

Dee told us she had never felt such a strong sense of worthiness emanate from her own body before.

She often hated her body but on this day, she loved what her body was relaying in no uncertain terms: you are enough.

Her tears seemed to mix with our tears as we acknowledged the truth in her exclamation, “I feel like I finally know what yoga is about and for”.

I can’t help but notice that in all the articles we read about yoga’s benefits and life-changing qualities, one could just as easily replace the word “yoga” with “God”.

>> Yoga is making me a better mother, friend, daughter and wife

>> Yoga has been a savior to reduce my stress and relieve my anxiety

>> Yoga helps me feel more connected to myself and others and less depressed

>> Yoga helps me manage my eating disorder

>> Yoga eases my desire for my drug of choice and has impacted me staying clean

Some people say going to yoga feels like going to church.

Again, I will repeat, our yoga practice is meant to connect our mind, body and spirit in a way that God meant for us to operate.

It is out of wholeness and connection to our authentic self that we can truly understand how much we are loved, how we could never do anything to separate us from God.

That which we are desiring, is desiring us.

What are you yearning for?

Understanding God and the Human Nervous System

We see how God entered the human nervous system especially as we contemplate the cross of Christ. Did Jesus dissociate when he cried out– Abba, Abba why have you abandoned me?

I have thought so yes but in a sense, there was still a part of Him who understood the mission. Take the trauma of the people of the world and transmute it– once and for all. Turn pain and suffering into a creative new life force filled with connection and restored to a primordial power.

When the nervous system is regulated- the fear and memory of nervous system activation for survival has been healed ancestrally and personally. Can you even imagine this?

You must– you must 1st imagine and visualize this level of peace, safety and divine guidance. A God who breaks His own patterns and recollects us to the primordial system of the fascia. Yes, still physical– still in and of the body!!

Spiritual and harmonized while remaining in Her– the Source of all. In HIM, the placenta, the Lion, the Dove: All the metaphors apply here. It’s the best news about the sound of Heaven. The echo of the Ommmm. The frequency of Love and power.

Flowing to us and through us– uniquely singing our small part in the great Chorale — where the spiritual heart is able to be an open vessel for God’s mysteries.

This is my prayer over you today and in the season to come.

That all people everywhere trust in the consecration– you are a sacred and holy people.

Madman or Magician

I’m listening to a podcast with Elise Loehnen (Fissmer) Pulling the Thread. SHe’s interviewing author and psychotherapist Karl Deisseroth Md, PhD. As they discuss what in the DSM responds well to meds and what rooted in childhood trauma does not, I had the insight– the download so to speak– only that which originated as a mismatch to the new life in relationship can be repaired in relationship– the same relationship– parent to child. Not in the natural but as an adult in the spiritual realm. The OT ends with the reconciliation of parent and child– powerful huh.

Well, we are part of God’s internal family system. We are a cell in the body of God so to speak. The micro to the macro. We look like our Abwoon (parents). Our natural life is aligned with the Great Mother and we operate like nature– letting go, growing, planting seeds of compassion. Letting go, expanding consciousness, growing a seed of mercy….did I say Letting go?

We have the innate need to connect with, rely upon, be supported by, guided etc. by the invisible Source of our Being. If we neglect this deep Soul Truth– we suffer. But we don’t recognize suffering if we look to the world. No, we look like the world when we are striving, grasping, complaining, worrying, gossiping etc. Abba does not judge this. This is part of being human and growing and maturing

Abba is the perfect harmony of meeting us in our messes and helping us up out of the pigslop and finding our way into better quarters. We MUST awaken to growing worthiness, growing in thriving and leave behind our old self. As a new creation we are constantly making stuff– encouraging others, building others up, connecting heart to heart. Then RESTING. deep soul rest which restores the brain.

But Trauma– light in need of mending. Light that’s chaotic, distorted in the nervous system, in the fascia is the suffering self . We despise her, she’s a stranger. Annoying. Demanding, too much– too horny, hungry and greedy. But you see– Abba knows she’s trying so hard to FEEL alive!! She’s doing everything in order to know she exists and can experience pleasure and yes pain. Contrast is needed. We often hear it called the life and death of Christ in us.

We need light and dark. Matter and energy. Spirit and dust. masculine and feminine. They dance– not compete. But when I was in my trauma brain I had an inner enemy…I was always hating on my self, my body, my behavior (or lack there of), but too much ‘me’ was the problem I needed to have children, be of service, get outside of myself and understand the law of karma. I needed to keep caring about others and bumping off them to see myself better, more clearly and see the ways I was NOT the woman I thought I’d be…I was on a collision course to divorce if I didn’t get my act together. And yes, I often created outer enemies too– projections.

ultimately, with nervous system regulation we are within ONE voice. and that voice is rooted in Love. Nervous system regulation is not ease, it’s not peace, it’s not anything but connection to Self. We remain. We do not abandon ourselves, or berate or shame for having human needs and desires.

Whether it is your own mind’s voice or when you hear from the shepherd, it is love. Your parts are organized and your intuition is organized and your Light is organized into a grand symphony playing– magical. Not madman. No fear of being crazy. It is a world who does not communicate with their Abba that is crazy. Every Child of God has access to their spiritual parent– unified. You are back in the arms of a sweet safe One.

John 3:5. It’s a brain wave pattern restoring that frequency from first year of life.

Dharma + Karma in Harmony

We are in our own way! I was at the neurologist over 11 years ago complaining of memory issues, brain fog, mood swings and guess what he told me–

You are a bored housewife. I was so very angry at that rude man! Didn’t he know that I had 3 part time jobs?

He brought the sword of truth to a place that needed the pain of Christ to divide up my small ways of thinking patterned in a hostile past. I was repeating my trauma conditioning without being conscious. I get frustrated with myself. And I get frustrated with others but our heavenly Abba is simply never frustrated with us. He will keep dropping hints until we are ready to make the change because we need new energy, new inspiration and purpose to drive the action.

The only way to new neural pathways and a new good life free of self-imposed suffering was daily bravery. Stretching who I thought I was and what I was capable of.

Here I am all these years later and nothing has changed at 58!

I am a lifelong learner evolving and finding ever deepening faith and meaning.

We must all balance the forces of foundational dharma (stability, structure, fundamentals) with the forces of karma (mobility, chaos, change, growth).

Yoga is one powerful daily ritual which brings structure to the inner chaos of the subconscious mind, merging consciousness and unconscious (hidden cosmic) power so that we can be of service in big and small ways.

Jesus brings the sword and we must trust when we hear the words which are meant to challenge and anger the tiny, fragile ego– there’s more of you to BE. Inhale the Ruach of the Living One deep into your belly. Fill your whole body with the breath of new life and exhale deeply, sighing out a loud trumpet sound of stress. Again and again until you are more sure of your abiding in God’s body and heart.

Receive Divine Love and go!!

Why Kamikaze?

Why “Kamikaze”

I was in Japan last month and had a wonderful conversation with Endo, our home- cooking chef, who spoke to me that he was spiritual not Buddhist. He said he could feel my heart for life, for faith and for Jesus and in that way understood why I was gifted this difficult word from the heavenly realm to relay my message of holy guidance.

It was a comforting conversation from a Japanese resident who’s grandparents had known war and the history of violence on their land and surrounding Asia. Yet, Thousands of years before in 1281, the Japanese people were saved from invading military attacks thanks to the typhoon they coined a kamikaze wind. A gift from the gods.

The Holy Spirit is in my experience the expression of the person of Jesus from the scriptures – an all encompassing ‘God’ who is sacrificial in nature, evolutionary, sacred, and when connected to the physical through us, is evidence of how the Christ can be enjoyed in a thousand faces not his own (Gerard Manly Hopkins). When the spirit is embodied our vessel is enlivened by the power of our Creator and we begin to allow this good tree of Life to heal our roots. With healed roots ‘out of the abundance of the heart the mouth will speak’.

For when the ‘west’ is steeped in dogma/agenda, it takes the powerful, creative Spirit out of life. As reliable as the rising of the sun, when East meets West, we are whole- mind body is one.

We were never separate but the spirit realm created various wounds and chaos due to being on earth. These bodies made of earth must adjust to carrying ‘Light’. But we know from Einstein that e=mc2…matter is slowed down energy. We are quantum beings operating as if we are simply physical. We desire to see on earth as it is in heaven!

And so without our knowledge of the spirits at work, we suffer. Ancestrally we carry what has not been processed in our bodies.Then we add the multitude of ways that our individual life has met danger and abuse, or simply early in life unmet survival and emotional needs. And the armor and anxiety build.

And all of this is deposited in the subconscious mind/body for us to awaken to and address. The healing is multi-dimensional and so we need community and experts along the way to understand ourselves. Society and culture are sick so they will battle us every step of our liberation: enter ancient yoga. A spiritual orthopraxy rooted in being a path of liberating the Soul. And as Pastor Ben White once wisely stated- I think yoga is one path to an all-consuming bond with God.

The good tree of Life will grow once we’ve created a healthy environment for flourishing. Our health will be restored because much of the body knows what to do on its own.It’s brilliantly designed both for survival and thriving.

But we must be our boldest selves in order to break free from functional freeze (depression). I was stuck in flight (busyness/distraction) and mostly unaware of my unconscious depression — but my chronic constipation was the physical signal. Now the science is behind the value in healing the gut-brain axis.

My ‘sin’ was the sign of the gaping wound yet to be addressed. Many wounds of course, but abandonment is my primary and led to attention seeking and emotional upheaval.

My suffering became so great that I had to embark on the spiritual journey with the Kamikaze– the Divine Wind.

And along the way I was awakened to the spirit realm and the ways those daemons (Jungian) were creating chaos within and in my outer life. Our transfiguration is the revelation that there is not truly an inner and outer– there is just life and how we interact.

How much change can we embrace safely?

How much unsteadiness can we tolerate in search of Truth?

How much of our inner child’s soul needs and cries do we have capacity to address (in the eternal now)?

Only you can answer these questions. We create capacity through nervous system regulation, mindfulness , community and intention.

I have found the courage to emerge. And if you are ready to embark, I am a humble warrior to come alongside.

“For sorrow awaits those who feed themselves instead of their flocks. Shepherds feed the sheep. You have not taken

care of the weak. You have not gone looking for

those who’ve wandered away. So my sheep

have been scattered without a shepherd.

They have wandered through the mountains

and across the face of the earth, yet no one has

gone to search for them.” Ezekiel 34:2

For it is only the Life of Christ in my soul which can pursue and accomplish anything so lofty. Praise His sacrifice (this is my body given for you) that we might invite God’s powerful love to draw us where there is an absence of Love,

A shortfall of Truth.

Yoga Nourishes Your Spirit

Yoga has been a body prayer for me because it’s 30-90 minutes dedicated to time with the Lord. Initially people may think it is physical because the practice meets you right where you are but eventually it opens your heart to the reality that its worship of mind body and spirit. Your inner Trinity aligns and you dissolve the ordinary worries of the day as you enter a higher consciousness.

The mission of yoga according to the Sutras is the exact same mission as becoming a follower of Christ–

A yogi’s goal is to ascend to the cosmic spirit from which the soul has descended.

A Jesus follower’s goal is to ascend to the christ spirit from which the soul has descended. ‘We believe in ONE GOD”

See how East meets West in such a powerful realization of who we are at our deepest essence?

Knowing the Holy Spirit is an actual embodied endeavor– not intellectual (some of the time, sure) but it’s got to include your WHOLE self! This is how healing ensues.

Holy Spirit gives us revelation of the Father and is your personal tutor. Life and life abundant comes from the awakening energy of the body and spirit both and how they dance.

I have not been afraid to be wrong. I’ve been afraid to minimize the power of Christ in us. This power will transform your entire life trajectory when you begin to have faith in the unseen.

Healing my Mood Disorder

7 years ago we had a day retreat at my church with my pastor and two participants. We ritually walked through a door threshold stating an intention.

I had no idea why my voice released this statement: I AM AN ICEBERG MELTING.

Come to see that these 7 years were about God circumsizing my heart and me yielding to healing my functional freeze state through oceans of tears. Sometimes I was being re-traumatized because I did not yet fully understand the power of yoga practice and was going too deep.

Ultimately, I was healing my sacral chakra and reinstating emotional regulation and maturity after decades of suffering from a mood disorder : PMDD, which is similar to BPD and is rooted in insufficient metabolism/mitochondrial dysfunction. I also suffered with chronic IBS during that time (no coincidence).

Read that again– additionally my drinking was further inducing depression and most certainly the potential for cardiovascular disease. We are speaking about brain energy.

I’ll never forget reading the books “Brain on fire” and “Scattered Minds” and coming to understand that my own body was allergic or attacking my mind in an attempt to wake me up to the suffering self, the pain body Eckhardt Tolle teaches about. This body within that carries death due to unresolved issues in our tissues.

I told my mother last week that I have come to understand these ancestral bodies as having ONLY two choices to carry our pain and memories of being powerless in the face of danger:

Chronically or Acutely, but no one is left without the cost.

I choose conscious healing and therefore experience the emotional intensity TODAY and then it is released. I’m not stuck any longer, nor am I broken.

This day, I am going to walk through my home threshold with a new statement–

Peace LIVES HERE. Harmony is my homeostasis. I can always find my way home to a

stable CENTER.

Whatever it is that you are dealing with mentally and/or physically, know that mind and body are ONE and you are not alone. What is most important is to maintain a hopeful and strong SPIRIT in pursuing relief. We are all in different seasons and must trust that they are varied and important.

Society is sick and we are individual cells honoring these bodies as part of the larger illness at every systemic level. It is not our fault but we have the responsibility and agency to HEAL.

It’s hard work. But knowing how deep rest is critical in finding the balance is crucial too. Growing our ability to sit with discomfort — whether that’s physical or emotional is a sign of our evolution.

We are in this together- no one battles alone and God is on our side. Seek holistic understanding — east must meet west in our wholeness. Mind Body and Spirit are a dance of energies.

I believe in US.